Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
