I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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