The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
