He had one of those small greek statue penises
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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