I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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