I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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