You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
