I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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