Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
