so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize