When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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