good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
