the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think people are normalizing furries
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
