If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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