a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
