drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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