to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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