I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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