So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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