I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
