Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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