So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He felt like a one man threesome
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
