Pants 0. Shit 1.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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