Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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