The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize