One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
