He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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