Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
