it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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