even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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