if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
