I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
