if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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