my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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