Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
