So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
