When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i wish my penis had a tongue
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
