Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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