Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
