im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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