i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
