I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
