i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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