I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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