I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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