this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
