How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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