I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
