I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My liver just broke up with me...
i came on her dog
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
