The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
