I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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