the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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