I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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