Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
