i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
