Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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