non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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