just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
