Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
